Surreality

I was recently reminded of an incident in my life some time ago. I was exchanging stories with friends over lunch about the most surreal moments in our relationships.

It wasn't a competition, but I think if it had have been, my story would have won hands down.

Bear in mind that this incident occurred long before I formulated the "Silent Treatment" response plan, so what you'll read is an example of how not to progress...

I woke up one morning to find that my wife was no longer talking to me. "Hmmm", thought I, "Maybe she didn't sleep well... Maybe I was snoring really loudly last night and kept her awake. I'd best ask if she is OK".

So I did, no prizes for guessing what response I got... well done, "Nothing, I'm fine", but as I'm sure you have correctly assessed, it was said in a tone of voice that said, "Everything is wrong, and it is all your fault, you heartless bastard". Nothing new there then.

Now by this time I had learnt that pressing the point was a sure way to a quick and violent explosion. So I didn't press on, I merely left things as they were, in order to let the course of nature meander to its conclusion.

And I waited...

And I waited...

And I waited...

After two weeks of slowly letting the temperature of my indignation rise, until I was absolutely livid at my mistreatment. I finally snapped one morning before work, I went absolutely beresque.

A fair paraphrasing of my explosion might be, "What is your fucking problem? You have been giving me shit for two fucking weeks now, and I have to tell you its getting really fucking tired, you have until the end of the fucking day to speak, or I'm moving out of this fucking house at the fucking weekend", (I may have sworn a little more than that though.)

I then promptly walked out of the room, grabbed my coat and headed off to work for the day.

I got home, and nothing had changed, everything was the same, the dinner was cooked, but the conversation was dead.

Just before I went to bed, I gave her another opportunity to talk, saying I was going to bed once I had brushed my teeth, was there anything she wanted to say?

At this point the terrible truth came out...

Two weeks previously, when all this had begun, S had had a dream that I was having an affair, in this dream she had caught me in flagrante delicto, and had been unable to forgive me the transgression, even though she knew it was an invention of her own mind, and I had done nothing wrong.

This was not the terrible truth, more of that later...

Being somewhat self-destructive at the best of times, and at this point being particularly livid over the treatment I had received over my wife's commitment anxieties, I said something which can only be described as "stupid beyond belief".

"Was the woman I was shagging hot? 'Caus frankly after the shit I have been though, she had better have been!"

Now in retrospect, I think we can safely say, that there was no possible way I could have inflamed the situation any quicker.

Not entirely without merit, what was one ball of anxiety, stress, and anger plus another ball of fury quickly became a tornado of hate and anger. Much time was spent years later with a marriage councilor fixing that particular transgression I can assure you.

Back to the terrible truth. It had suddenly dawned on me, that I had married someone who was insane.

I have woken up after terrible dreams, I have woken up believing members of my family to be dead, even for my wife to be hiding an affair. And I can say that yes I am genuinely affected, for a while, sometimes as long as a whole morning, and then the reality filter kicks in, I knew it was my subconscious playing "what if" scenarios, that nothing real has happened, and that I had no reason to be upset, if anything I should be better off, having now confronted something that was obviously an unconfronted fear. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? (coronary attacks excluded.)

But in my wife, I had someone who genuinely was unable to distinguish between her fantasy world and the real world. And frankly, if that isn't delusional, and doesn't count as one of the definitions of being insane, I don't know what does.

In retrospect, thinking about it now, although I then tried for several years to keep the marriage together, I think at that point, looking back, I knew that the marriage was bound to fail, it was only a matter of time.

Well that came out a lot more tragically than I expected.