Toilet Seats

I think its worth tackling this perennial problem, everyone knows about this issue, but there seems not to be a commonly accepted solution.

So time for a bit of analysis from ACF...

OK, we all know that women want the seat down, and that men want the seat up, we all also know that no matter which one we prefer, its always the opposite. This is Sod's (or Murphy's depending on who you ask) Law.

Now forgive me for getting into the details of excretive functions, but, if we assume a 5:1 ratio of pee to poop, and women need all six down, but men need only one down, we end up with a final ratio of 7:5 for down to up.

Now, I'm all in favour of men taking a seated visit in the middle of the night, the guidance systems are not too hot at the best of times, but waking from sleep and stumbling to the bathroom half comatose, is a sure fire bet for micturation up the walls, on the ceiling, in the bath, and in fact conservatively we can estimate that about 5% of the final product ends up in the toilet. (And 10% on the feet! Ugh!)

So factoring in a night time visit each for member of the couple, we have a ratio of 9:5.

We can go on from here and analyse how many times the seat must go up and down, and I'm not even going to suggest that a man shouldn't lift the seat, and should attempt some highly focused, "smaller target" practice, we all know that is just not going to work, hitting the harder target is too much like hard work, small target work is just plain foolishness or self delusion.

So here is my simple answer...

If you need the toilet seat in one position or the other, move the seat to the required position, when you have finished and you want to put the seat down, or up, do so.

And if you are upset that the seat is not in the ideal position for you when you arrive, can I tactfully suggest that you GET THE FUCK OVER IT! Because lets face it, in the grand scheme of things, its not a big deal is it?

Kids are starving in Africa, people are shooting each other and bombing each other in the Middle East, fundamentalists are killing hostages and shipping bombs to the West, all these things are important.

You have food, medicine, shelter, clean water and clothes, putting you in the top 10% of humanity in the "Haves to Have-nots" scale. Lets face it, your biggest worry is your broadband going down for half an hour so you can't IM your friends.

Given all of the above, can I suggest that you back off and don't give your partner a hard time about this? Just get a grip and ask, "Is this really important, or am I just being an uptight asshat?".

I think you'll find that in the majority of cases you're being the uptight asshat, so why stress yourself out, life doesn't go all your own way, live with it, life is not going to change to accommodate you.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Uptight Asshat.