Woke up and started the day with an insight...
I woke up this morning, and got to work on all the housework that has been building up for the last week or so. This is great reflection time for me, gives my hands something to do that doesn't need my consciousness to be involved. It's usually doing the housework or sitting on the loo that I make my greatest insights. (At least 20% of my PhD thesis came to me setting on the toilet I'm sure!)
Anyway, as I was folding the laundry this morning, I started to think about the last couple of months, and the whole V thing, and then, I made an effort to put together a time-line for the whole relationship, and what had gone on.
It struck me that I had failed to make one final insight into all that had gone on.
While V was with her bloke E, and she knew I was crushing on her, she was the cat with the cream, she had E who was cute and came and went on his own whims and gave her enough sex to keep her reasonably happy, and then there was me, available for her at all times and willing to bend over backwards to do whatever she wanted to do.
I realised the point when it all broke down, was when E gave V the push. When V told me this, she asked if I thought it was good news for me (or something to that effect), me being the realist(?!) that I am, I said no. To be honest at that point I had concluded the best we were ever going to be was friends, and so E being off the scene didn't open any doors for me, I was certain at this point we would never be an item. I said words to that effect to V.
The cat had lost the cream, no cute E to fuck her when she needed it, and me no longer crushing on her and entertaining her every nonsense.
For a couple of months up until that point, I had noticed that I initiated every conversation, and it was all one way. The only real response was when she was shooting me down, then she was all fired up and ready to go.
Over the few weeks that followed me saying that I was no longer interested, her bits of random sniping became more and more pronounced, until I decided to see if we were friends or I was just a handy emotional punch bag to get her angst out of her system. To that end, I just stopped contacting her, I wanted to see how long before she picked up the phone, started an IM, texted or contacted me however.
For a couple of weeks (normally we chatted daily) I heard nothing apart from the one "Are you there" when I left MSN on "Away".
Eventually she IMed me while I was online, and we had the chat that I knew was coming, she said that she was uncomfortable that I was crushing on her, I pointed out that I wasn't anymore, nor had I in fact been crushing for weeks. So she decided that we couldn't be friends because I didn't stimulate her.
Obviously I was really hurt by this, I might be many things, but I'm certainly not boring, ask any one of the many friends and acquaintances that I have.
So I have to conclude that either she was telling the truth and I didn't stimulate her and that is a problem she has, or it was a just a bullshit reason to get me out of her life.
I'm inclined to think it was a bullshit reason to get me out of her life.
Lets face it, I'm not stimulating because I'm not a tattoo covered biker, and I'm not stimulating because I'm not rich, I'm Mr. Average Chap of 33, one ex-wife and a six year old kid, no excitement there at all.
Of course the whole not rich thing was just her perception, I tend not to let the women I am interested in know what I have in the bank, they tend to like you for the wrong reasons.
As for V, well she likes to think (at the grand old age of 27) that she has the answers. The truth is, I don't think she knows what she wants, but she's not prepared to get off her arse and achieve anything, but happy to wait for it to land in her lap. I wish her well, but think it is somewhat tragic that she lives the life she does, she is a clever woman, who could really do things, but she is not prepared to go to the mountain, much like Mohammed, she wants the mountain to come to her.
I was disappointed that she chose not to say bye face to face, or over the phone in a personal manner, but to say it via a blog post. I really did think she was more mature than that. Such is life.
Bye V, nice knowing you while it lasted. I don't wish you any ill, I really do hope you sort your life out in the end.
Anyway, as I was folding the laundry this morning, I started to think about the last couple of months, and the whole V thing, and then, I made an effort to put together a time-line for the whole relationship, and what had gone on.
It struck me that I had failed to make one final insight into all that had gone on.
While V was with her bloke E, and she knew I was crushing on her, she was the cat with the cream, she had E who was cute and came and went on his own whims and gave her enough sex to keep her reasonably happy, and then there was me, available for her at all times and willing to bend over backwards to do whatever she wanted to do.
I realised the point when it all broke down, was when E gave V the push. When V told me this, she asked if I thought it was good news for me (or something to that effect), me being the realist(?!) that I am, I said no. To be honest at that point I had concluded the best we were ever going to be was friends, and so E being off the scene didn't open any doors for me, I was certain at this point we would never be an item. I said words to that effect to V.
The cat had lost the cream, no cute E to fuck her when she needed it, and me no longer crushing on her and entertaining her every nonsense.
For a couple of months up until that point, I had noticed that I initiated every conversation, and it was all one way. The only real response was when she was shooting me down, then she was all fired up and ready to go.
Over the few weeks that followed me saying that I was no longer interested, her bits of random sniping became more and more pronounced, until I decided to see if we were friends or I was just a handy emotional punch bag to get her angst out of her system. To that end, I just stopped contacting her, I wanted to see how long before she picked up the phone, started an IM, texted or contacted me however.
For a couple of weeks (normally we chatted daily) I heard nothing apart from the one "Are you there" when I left MSN on "Away".
Eventually she IMed me while I was online, and we had the chat that I knew was coming, she said that she was uncomfortable that I was crushing on her, I pointed out that I wasn't anymore, nor had I in fact been crushing for weeks. So she decided that we couldn't be friends because I didn't stimulate her.
Obviously I was really hurt by this, I might be many things, but I'm certainly not boring, ask any one of the many friends and acquaintances that I have.
So I have to conclude that either she was telling the truth and I didn't stimulate her and that is a problem she has, or it was a just a bullshit reason to get me out of her life.
I'm inclined to think it was a bullshit reason to get me out of her life.
Lets face it, I'm not stimulating because I'm not a tattoo covered biker, and I'm not stimulating because I'm not rich, I'm Mr. Average Chap of 33, one ex-wife and a six year old kid, no excitement there at all.
Of course the whole not rich thing was just her perception, I tend not to let the women I am interested in know what I have in the bank, they tend to like you for the wrong reasons.
As for V, well she likes to think (at the grand old age of 27) that she has the answers. The truth is, I don't think she knows what she wants, but she's not prepared to get off her arse and achieve anything, but happy to wait for it to land in her lap. I wish her well, but think it is somewhat tragic that she lives the life she does, she is a clever woman, who could really do things, but she is not prepared to go to the mountain, much like Mohammed, she wants the mountain to come to her.
I was disappointed that she chose not to say bye face to face, or over the phone in a personal manner, but to say it via a blog post. I really did think she was more mature than that. Such is life.
Bye V, nice knowing you while it lasted. I don't wish you any ill, I really do hope you sort your life out in the end.
posted by C at 4:36 pm
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