What's the deal with work then?
Ok, so I've mentioned work a few times, and by now you should have worked out that there is a teensy-weensy problem-ette or two.
Hmmm, I think I'll come clean, there is an absolutely fucking huge problem, and most of it is my own making.
One of the by-products of my depression, is the lack of enthusiasm ("no shit", I hear you cry!) and a total lack of motivation ("We've gone beyond no shit, where into negative shit here!", yeah yeah, shut up will you, I'm speaking!). When you couple this with a lack of work to do, but what little I have is very important, and has a very hard deadline, I'm sure even the thickest of readers can see where we are going.
I'm pretty sure that I do this deliberately, in my usual fuck up way. Certainly, I have to accept that at some level there is a plan to do this which is being executed. I have displayed this behaviour at too many jobs and seen it happen too many times for it to be coincidental.
I seem to be very deliberately courting being sacked from a position, by openly doing nothing for weeks at a time, whilst lying about my progress, then I manage to pull my thumb out of my arse and catch up, but only after putting myself under unbearable pressure for a few weeks.
Obviously, I'm pretty lucky, in that I have the natural talent to do a good job, whilst catching up several weeks worth of work in a couple of days. Truth be told, I am extremely lucky in that regard, I have never had much in the way of motivation to do anything, and I think my education and career path are entirely down to quick wittedness rather than hard work and careful application.
I used to feel sorry for the kids on my degree way back when, here was me, doing fuck all for months, then getting in gear for a week or two and getting way better marks than those poor bastards that had worked like absolute donkeys for all those months. Bad luck for them, but I guess my IQ gets its own back when I get into anxious-circular-thought-hell, I'm guessing I can get round those circuits far quicker than those other kids, yay!
But I digress, the point of this post was to explain what I have been up to at work, and why I have sat on my backside and done nothing for an age, and how come I am now ultra focused and working way hard.
As a direct result of my actions, I will probably have to work on Saturday, I'm sure you can imagine the guilt I feel at having caused this mess, then having to work overtime to catch up, whilst charging my client for my cock up! Ah well extra cash to spend, I suppose. Still it's not doing much to help with the guilt I'm feeling over breaching my personal ethical standards.
On the up side, I weigh myself on Tuesday mornings before I head off to work, and I can happily say that I have lost another pound since last week's weigh in. That made my day.
And as a final note, the dreams are getting stranger, last night I dreamt that I had been in an accident and broken my leg, but that none of my insurers would pay out. As a result I still needed to go to work, and ended up employing V to drive me around and help me run errands. Not sure what that meant, although V seems to think it is all to do with me inventing a job for her. (She doesn't do the "work" thing.) Me, I'm tending to think that I need to do some more of that linear thinking stuff... If only I could find the time!
Signing off, its stupid late, and I need to get my half hour beauty sleep for the night, laters.
Hmmm, I think I'll come clean, there is an absolutely fucking huge problem, and most of it is my own making.
One of the by-products of my depression, is the lack of enthusiasm ("no shit", I hear you cry!) and a total lack of motivation ("We've gone beyond no shit, where into negative shit here!", yeah yeah, shut up will you, I'm speaking!). When you couple this with a lack of work to do, but what little I have is very important, and has a very hard deadline, I'm sure even the thickest of readers can see where we are going.
I'm pretty sure that I do this deliberately, in my usual fuck up way. Certainly, I have to accept that at some level there is a plan to do this which is being executed. I have displayed this behaviour at too many jobs and seen it happen too many times for it to be coincidental.
I seem to be very deliberately courting being sacked from a position, by openly doing nothing for weeks at a time, whilst lying about my progress, then I manage to pull my thumb out of my arse and catch up, but only after putting myself under unbearable pressure for a few weeks.
Obviously, I'm pretty lucky, in that I have the natural talent to do a good job, whilst catching up several weeks worth of work in a couple of days. Truth be told, I am extremely lucky in that regard, I have never had much in the way of motivation to do anything, and I think my education and career path are entirely down to quick wittedness rather than hard work and careful application.
I used to feel sorry for the kids on my degree way back when, here was me, doing fuck all for months, then getting in gear for a week or two and getting way better marks than those poor bastards that had worked like absolute donkeys for all those months. Bad luck for them, but I guess my IQ gets its own back when I get into anxious-circular-thought-hell, I'm guessing I can get round those circuits far quicker than those other kids, yay!
But I digress, the point of this post was to explain what I have been up to at work, and why I have sat on my backside and done nothing for an age, and how come I am now ultra focused and working way hard.
As a direct result of my actions, I will probably have to work on Saturday, I'm sure you can imagine the guilt I feel at having caused this mess, then having to work overtime to catch up, whilst charging my client for my cock up! Ah well extra cash to spend, I suppose. Still it's not doing much to help with the guilt I'm feeling over breaching my personal ethical standards.
On the up side, I weigh myself on Tuesday mornings before I head off to work, and I can happily say that I have lost another pound since last week's weigh in. That made my day.
And as a final note, the dreams are getting stranger, last night I dreamt that I had been in an accident and broken my leg, but that none of my insurers would pay out. As a result I still needed to go to work, and ended up employing V to drive me around and help me run errands. Not sure what that meant, although V seems to think it is all to do with me inventing a job for her. (She doesn't do the "work" thing.) Me, I'm tending to think that I need to do some more of that linear thinking stuff... If only I could find the time!
Signing off, its stupid late, and I need to get my half hour beauty sleep for the night, laters.
posted by C at 3:10 am
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