Update on the day
Just as I finished the last entry V came online, we had a brief chat that ended crappily.
She mentioned that she is looking forward to seeing her man this evening, and me being me, I said, good for you, I hope he's looking forward to it too, or words to that effect.
V (in her direct manner) said she doesn't like it when I'm being nice like that, she thinks the unwritten subtext is that I want to be the person looking forward to meeting her.
I'm so down at the moment, I ended the conversation before I got really upset.
If I'm honest, then yes, right now, I would like to be the person that is looking forward to seeing V. The point is that when I said that it was not my subtext at all, I just want V to be happy, and happiness to me is having your feelings for someone reciprocated.
I'm a realist, V and I are never going to happen. The crush I have will hurt for a while, then it will subside like all the rest did. I know this, so I can cope with it, I'm an adult now for fuck's sake, I don't have to act out every fucked up fantasy like a hormonal teenager. If I thought it would last for ever, I'd have to stop contact with V.
On so many levels we would never make it as a couple, and that's just my take on us, God alone knows what V's take is, I expect it is a far more pessimistic viewpoint than mine. But pragmatism just doesn't cut it where my emotions are involved.
My real problem is that this is too reminiscent of the relationship with my ex-wife. In that particular relationship, more rules were invented, sometimes every day, some of which made no sense. Every transgression was reason for argument or abuse. And silly fucking me, I used to go back and get some more till it nearly killed me.
It may be the depression talking, but this feels like the slippery slope at the top of the same failing in my previous relationships. The joke is, that this isn't even a relationship in the same way at all. This is just a friendship.
Am I to take it complements, or wishes for happiness are off the proscribed conversation list? Am I to hide how I feel for fear of upsetting others? I'm already bottling up pretty much all of my depression, angst, self loathing, fear, anger, and doubt. I know it shows round the edges, but there is only so much I can do when I feel like this.
I'm having enough of a hard time without external stimuli aggravating the situation.
She mentioned that she is looking forward to seeing her man this evening, and me being me, I said, good for you, I hope he's looking forward to it too, or words to that effect.
V (in her direct manner) said she doesn't like it when I'm being nice like that, she thinks the unwritten subtext is that I want to be the person looking forward to meeting her.
I'm so down at the moment, I ended the conversation before I got really upset.
If I'm honest, then yes, right now, I would like to be the person that is looking forward to seeing V. The point is that when I said that it was not my subtext at all, I just want V to be happy, and happiness to me is having your feelings for someone reciprocated.
I'm a realist, V and I are never going to happen. The crush I have will hurt for a while, then it will subside like all the rest did. I know this, so I can cope with it, I'm an adult now for fuck's sake, I don't have to act out every fucked up fantasy like a hormonal teenager. If I thought it would last for ever, I'd have to stop contact with V.
On so many levels we would never make it as a couple, and that's just my take on us, God alone knows what V's take is, I expect it is a far more pessimistic viewpoint than mine. But pragmatism just doesn't cut it where my emotions are involved.
My real problem is that this is too reminiscent of the relationship with my ex-wife. In that particular relationship, more rules were invented, sometimes every day, some of which made no sense. Every transgression was reason for argument or abuse. And silly fucking me, I used to go back and get some more till it nearly killed me.
It may be the depression talking, but this feels like the slippery slope at the top of the same failing in my previous relationships. The joke is, that this isn't even a relationship in the same way at all. This is just a friendship.
Am I to take it complements, or wishes for happiness are off the proscribed conversation list? Am I to hide how I feel for fear of upsetting others? I'm already bottling up pretty much all of my depression, angst, self loathing, fear, anger, and doubt. I know it shows round the edges, but there is only so much I can do when I feel like this.
I'm having enough of a hard time without external stimuli aggravating the situation.
posted by C at 3:06 pm
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