Anvils of joy...
Well yesterday V dropped out. In all fairness her fella turned up at short notice, and I'd have to be a pretty cold and heartless bastard to begrudge someone quality time with their partner wouldn't I.
The arrangement was only of the "tentative/possible" variety, so I was not too surprised by the (non) cancellation of the (non) arranged meetup.
What was interesting was my reaction. Whereas, at one time not too long ago (mere days/weeks ago) I would have been gutted, emotional, stressed and extremely depressed about it, yesterday, I was fine.
"I have stuff to do that I can do tonight", was pretty much the first thought through my head. So I went home and didn't do them. :)
I know I'm getting really repetitive when I say this is all new to me, but honestly it is, this is a real revelation, for the last 20 years I have needed other people around me to give me feedback for me to feel good about myself. Now I just don't care, other people have opinions, and I guess their happiness will still be infectious, but their negative assertions, or even their actions I suppose, don't seem to be affecting me.
Bad things that happen, are no longer bad things, I am for the first time in 20 years, able to honestly evaluate things and decide that they are not even negatively associated, and that more importantly they are not going to negatively impact my mood.
I am genuinely happy.
This morning on my way to work, the first leg of my usual route was closed, so I had to take an alternative to Kings Cross Station, then take a much longer tube journey from there to my final destination. The train journey took a while, and then at KC I had to queue for about 15 minutes to get to the platform, then I had to get on the third train as the first two were too full for me to get on. What would normally be a 40-45 minute comfortable journey became a 80 minute uncomfortable journey.
There was a time, that I would have been livid at the prospect of even a change to my plans (I am a creature of habit), and by the time I got to work I would have apoplectic at the high stress start of the day. Thus ramping up my stress levels anyway.
Today was different, today I got on the alternative train and made my way to work, and I just didn't care. "I'm going to be late", I thought, then almost immediately I thought, "Can't be helped, no point in being stressed about it", and then I just cut off the worry voice in my head.
As I was making my way from train to the tube, and while I was on the tube platform, I was positively beaming, I was looking at all the miserable people, and I was willing them, to just not care, to be happy and to see the shitness, for the self imposed unhappiness that it was. I must have looked like a crazy. To be honest, I don't care if anyone thought I was a crazy person, I'd rather be crazy and happy than miserable and sane!
When I finally got on the tube, I had several stops to go, but was finding it hard to concentrate on my book, my consciousness just kept slipping off in its own direction. I gave up reading, and just closed my eyes and concentrated on how I felt, my breathing, my balance, what I could hear, the taste in my mouth, the rail I was holding onto, the feel of the carriage interior on my back as we bounced down the tracks.
I felt my breathing slow, then start stop for a moment as I had fully inhaled and exhaled. Then for a moment, I was totally at peace with the world, I just got it. A swelling of joy came from within me, it knocked the wind right out of me, it was like being hit with an anvil of pure joy. I wanted to hold the moment, but in the act of trying to keep hold, I stopped being centred on me, and the moment passed.
Just that one solitary moment was wonderful, it was a moment where the bad things just didn't matter, and neither did the good things. I was just happy to be me.
A moment I have been waiting for since I was a child, no recriminations, no hate, no loathing, no self destruction, just me and comfort with myself and joy at being me.
I may have had to wipe a tear away on the train.
The arrangement was only of the "tentative/possible" variety, so I was not too surprised by the (non) cancellation of the (non) arranged meetup.
What was interesting was my reaction. Whereas, at one time not too long ago (mere days/weeks ago) I would have been gutted, emotional, stressed and extremely depressed about it, yesterday, I was fine.
"I have stuff to do that I can do tonight", was pretty much the first thought through my head. So I went home and didn't do them. :)
I know I'm getting really repetitive when I say this is all new to me, but honestly it is, this is a real revelation, for the last 20 years I have needed other people around me to give me feedback for me to feel good about myself. Now I just don't care, other people have opinions, and I guess their happiness will still be infectious, but their negative assertions, or even their actions I suppose, don't seem to be affecting me.
Bad things that happen, are no longer bad things, I am for the first time in 20 years, able to honestly evaluate things and decide that they are not even negatively associated, and that more importantly they are not going to negatively impact my mood.
I am genuinely happy.
This morning on my way to work, the first leg of my usual route was closed, so I had to take an alternative to Kings Cross Station, then take a much longer tube journey from there to my final destination. The train journey took a while, and then at KC I had to queue for about 15 minutes to get to the platform, then I had to get on the third train as the first two were too full for me to get on. What would normally be a 40-45 minute comfortable journey became a 80 minute uncomfortable journey.
There was a time, that I would have been livid at the prospect of even a change to my plans (I am a creature of habit), and by the time I got to work I would have apoplectic at the high stress start of the day. Thus ramping up my stress levels anyway.
Today was different, today I got on the alternative train and made my way to work, and I just didn't care. "I'm going to be late", I thought, then almost immediately I thought, "Can't be helped, no point in being stressed about it", and then I just cut off the worry voice in my head.
As I was making my way from train to the tube, and while I was on the tube platform, I was positively beaming, I was looking at all the miserable people, and I was willing them, to just not care, to be happy and to see the shitness, for the self imposed unhappiness that it was. I must have looked like a crazy. To be honest, I don't care if anyone thought I was a crazy person, I'd rather be crazy and happy than miserable and sane!
When I finally got on the tube, I had several stops to go, but was finding it hard to concentrate on my book, my consciousness just kept slipping off in its own direction. I gave up reading, and just closed my eyes and concentrated on how I felt, my breathing, my balance, what I could hear, the taste in my mouth, the rail I was holding onto, the feel of the carriage interior on my back as we bounced down the tracks.
I felt my breathing slow, then start stop for a moment as I had fully inhaled and exhaled. Then for a moment, I was totally at peace with the world, I just got it. A swelling of joy came from within me, it knocked the wind right out of me, it was like being hit with an anvil of pure joy. I wanted to hold the moment, but in the act of trying to keep hold, I stopped being centred on me, and the moment passed.
Just that one solitary moment was wonderful, it was a moment where the bad things just didn't matter, and neither did the good things. I was just happy to be me.
A moment I have been waiting for since I was a child, no recriminations, no hate, no loathing, no self destruction, just me and comfort with myself and joy at being me.
I may have had to wipe a tear away on the train.
posted by C at 10:13 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home