More axioms broken
As I mentioned on Saturday I spent a lot of time introspecting, and seeing where my thoughts were leading me with regard to things I am uncomfortable with in my life.
In the few hours that I was doing this, I came to some new realisations. As I mentioned in that last post, I've decided being selfish and needy are not necessarily bad things.
Lets face facts here, if you are being a non-selfish person, giving people what they need from your reserves, what are they being by allowing you to do this stuff for them? Er... That would make them selfish surely? Ooops!
I think the way forward is to be selfish some of the time and not to beat yourself up when you're doing it. The rest of the time, feel free to be as giving as you want, but when you feel enough is enough, you are not being selfish when you stop giving.
Every person has a right to protect themselves, and I firmly believe that I have been seriously negligent in regard to provision for my own needs. All of this, as a direct result of over commitment of my time to dealing with other people's problems/needs, as a priority over my own needs/problems.
So from now on, I think I'm going to be a little more selfish. I'm not used to being blunt, I am terrible for applying spin to let people down gently. So this is going to be hard work for me, at the moment I am giving lip service to an idea. I hope to be able to follow though with my ideas, this is going to be an interesting learning experience.
Part of what I consider to be selfishness, is the thorny subject of being needy or clingy, I know that I am needy, when I am in a relationship, I need constant affirmation of the relationship, I need hugs, kisses and sex on a physical level, and on an emotional level, I need conversation and understanding. Actually no, I don't need the conversation, I think that was one of my misconceptions that burnt me in several relationships, what I need is understanding, and of course once you are understood, silence can be a comfortable thing.
Given that I am living in a more now, less past and future state at the moment, I'm beginning to think that my neediness is being somewhat mitigated by my current attitude. Right now, people who I am usually in constant contact with, have started calling me to make sure I am OK, as to them I seem to have dropped off the face of the planet.
It seems I am starting to manage my "over demand" issues, by virtue of not controlling the urge, but by the urge being reduced. This is good, as controlling the urge makes for a very upset C!
For example today, I am expecting a call from V, to determine if we are going out this evening. There was a time, only a scant few weeks ago, that I would now be on tender hooks, stressing about the evening, waiting for the text message to arrive or not. Then I'd feel hurt if it didn't happen, probably bring it up in conversation and manage to piss V off by refusing to drop the subject until I had worked myself up into an emotional near-frenzy.
But now? If it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't. Does it mean that V likes me any less if she cancels? Nope not really, it means she doesn't want to go out. By refusing to listen to the inner criticism loop, I can't work myself up into a hyper-stressful state. As a result I'm less in need of affirmation of my every move or action.
Even now, as I think about this, I find it nice that I'm not worried about this evening, normally I would be listening to the inner needy me, analysing every move and saying from last night's conversation, looking for a way to prove to myself that I had pissed V off, so tonight would be cancelled. In essence, I was making sure I was an emotional wreck before I even knew I had or had not been rejected, I felt like I had been rejected before it even happened.
And here I am now, I realise that, its not even a rejection if it doesn't happen, certainly not worthy of getting distraught about before the event, and frankly not worth getting distraught about after the event either.
This is such life changing stuff for me, it really is a whole new way of life.
Really, I should thank all the friends who have stuck by me though thick and thin over the years, or even just though the last few months. I'm starting to realise what a painfully demanding fellow I used to be. Fingers crossed the new me sticks around and I don't revert to the old me.
Here's to changes for the better and ever onward.
Thanks V.
In the few hours that I was doing this, I came to some new realisations. As I mentioned in that last post, I've decided being selfish and needy are not necessarily bad things.
Lets face facts here, if you are being a non-selfish person, giving people what they need from your reserves, what are they being by allowing you to do this stuff for them? Er... That would make them selfish surely? Ooops!
I think the way forward is to be selfish some of the time and not to beat yourself up when you're doing it. The rest of the time, feel free to be as giving as you want, but when you feel enough is enough, you are not being selfish when you stop giving.
Every person has a right to protect themselves, and I firmly believe that I have been seriously negligent in regard to provision for my own needs. All of this, as a direct result of over commitment of my time to dealing with other people's problems/needs, as a priority over my own needs/problems.
So from now on, I think I'm going to be a little more selfish. I'm not used to being blunt, I am terrible for applying spin to let people down gently. So this is going to be hard work for me, at the moment I am giving lip service to an idea. I hope to be able to follow though with my ideas, this is going to be an interesting learning experience.
Part of what I consider to be selfishness, is the thorny subject of being needy or clingy, I know that I am needy, when I am in a relationship, I need constant affirmation of the relationship, I need hugs, kisses and sex on a physical level, and on an emotional level, I need conversation and understanding. Actually no, I don't need the conversation, I think that was one of my misconceptions that burnt me in several relationships, what I need is understanding, and of course once you are understood, silence can be a comfortable thing.
Given that I am living in a more now, less past and future state at the moment, I'm beginning to think that my neediness is being somewhat mitigated by my current attitude. Right now, people who I am usually in constant contact with, have started calling me to make sure I am OK, as to them I seem to have dropped off the face of the planet.
It seems I am starting to manage my "over demand" issues, by virtue of not controlling the urge, but by the urge being reduced. This is good, as controlling the urge makes for a very upset C!
For example today, I am expecting a call from V, to determine if we are going out this evening. There was a time, only a scant few weeks ago, that I would now be on tender hooks, stressing about the evening, waiting for the text message to arrive or not. Then I'd feel hurt if it didn't happen, probably bring it up in conversation and manage to piss V off by refusing to drop the subject until I had worked myself up into an emotional near-frenzy.
But now? If it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't. Does it mean that V likes me any less if she cancels? Nope not really, it means she doesn't want to go out. By refusing to listen to the inner criticism loop, I can't work myself up into a hyper-stressful state. As a result I'm less in need of affirmation of my every move or action.
Even now, as I think about this, I find it nice that I'm not worried about this evening, normally I would be listening to the inner needy me, analysing every move and saying from last night's conversation, looking for a way to prove to myself that I had pissed V off, so tonight would be cancelled. In essence, I was making sure I was an emotional wreck before I even knew I had or had not been rejected, I felt like I had been rejected before it even happened.
And here I am now, I realise that, its not even a rejection if it doesn't happen, certainly not worthy of getting distraught about before the event, and frankly not worth getting distraught about after the event either.
This is such life changing stuff for me, it really is a whole new way of life.
Really, I should thank all the friends who have stuck by me though thick and thin over the years, or even just though the last few months. I'm starting to realise what a painfully demanding fellow I used to be. Fingers crossed the new me sticks around and I don't revert to the old me.
Here's to changes for the better and ever onward.
Thanks V.
posted by C at 10:42 am
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