A lazy day... Right!

So I got up nice and late about 11:30ish, and popped off to the post office to collect something which didn't get delivered yesterday, as they turned up to deliver during the two hours I was out of the house all day! (No surprise there.)

I'm going to put back the furniture, hoover, mop and what not, before I pick up my daughter for the weekend and the rest of the family descend.

I think, they've picked up on my mood, so they are all coming to cheer me up, I'm hoping I don't end up overwhelmed by too much close contact.

On another note, I am giving serious consideration to having surgery to resolve some of my self image problems. Although V is doing a good job of dissuading me at the moment.

Sod all done...

Managed to move the furniture around.

The bug guy never came, there was a cock up and they turned up on the 8th not today!

Went for a golf lesson and then did some treadmilling.

Ate and chatted online.

Woo, a very productive day.

I didn't even manage to put the furniture back at the end of the day!

And here I am half-cut with alcohol, I'm off to bed. More to do tomorrow now.

Yesterday evening

I spent most of yesterday evening online, chatting to people on Face Party. I assume that a lot of predatory sexual types hang out there, as some of the behaviour was odd in the extreme.

I've been on FP since January this year, really as a way of meeting people. I've noticed quite a number of profiles that mention specifically that they are not up for one night stands, and that they are tired of certain elements on there.

I find the best way of chatting to people is to send them a note, and if they respond, to follow it up with another note with my MSN chat ID.

Yesterday, I put new pictures up on FP, obviously I have changed somewhat since January when the pictures first went up. I guess that the people at FP, review the pictures before they go live on the site, as I had a number of people asking me to describe myself.

A couple of people came onto chat last night, asked for a picture (the old one's were still visible), and then immediately closed the connection. Obviously I'm not what they are looking for, but none the less, I thought it rude, to not even say, thanks but no thanks!

Obviously, it seems if you are one of the beautiful people, you don't have to be nice. How like real life that is. Courtesy costs nothing.

Busy day ahead...

Right, this morning, once I have finished this (and sitting in front of my light) I have the following things to do:

1. Move all my furniture from the walls, I have a bug spray guy arriving this morning.
2. Collect a replacement card from the bank. Did I mention one got stolen the other day?
3. Golf lesson at 11:30 for an hour
4. Drop by Chelsea, to the optician that my neighbor works for, and get the lenses on my glasses cut into a new smaller shape. Now that I have a thinner head, these glasses are a little excessive.

Oh, and put all the furniture back as well I guess once the bug spray guy has gone.

I think I'm going to need a good night's sleep this evening,

I've still not heard anything back from the job interview, so I think its pretty safe to assume I didn't get it. Bugger, I may have to start looking properly now!

Oh...

And I've been and practiced golf up the local driving range, and I've even booked a lesson for tomorrow.

I'm feeling a little better for it.

Update on the day

Just as I finished the last entry V came online, we had a brief chat that ended crappily.

She mentioned that she is looking forward to seeing her man this evening, and me being me, I said, good for you, I hope he's looking forward to it too, or words to that effect.

V (in her direct manner) said she doesn't like it when I'm being nice like that, she thinks the unwritten subtext is that I want to be the person looking forward to meeting her.

I'm so down at the moment, I ended the conversation before I got really upset.

If I'm honest, then yes, right now, I would like to be the person that is looking forward to seeing V. The point is that when I said that it was not my subtext at all, I just want V to be happy, and happiness to me is having your feelings for someone reciprocated.

I'm a realist, V and I are never going to happen. The crush I have will hurt for a while, then it will subside like all the rest did. I know this, so I can cope with it, I'm an adult now for fuck's sake, I don't have to act out every fucked up fantasy like a hormonal teenager. If I thought it would last for ever, I'd have to stop contact with V.

On so many levels we would never make it as a couple, and that's just my take on us, God alone knows what V's take is, I expect it is a far more pessimistic viewpoint than mine. But pragmatism just doesn't cut it where my emotions are involved.

My real problem is that this is too reminiscent of the relationship with my ex-wife. In that particular relationship, more rules were invented, sometimes every day, some of which made no sense. Every transgression was reason for argument or abuse. And silly fucking me, I used to go back and get some more till it nearly killed me.

It may be the depression talking, but this feels like the slippery slope at the top of the same failing in my previous relationships. The joke is, that this isn't even a relationship in the same way at all. This is just a friendship.

Am I to take it complements, or wishes for happiness are off the proscribed conversation list? Am I to hide how I feel for fear of upsetting others? I'm already bottling up pretty much all of my depression, angst, self loathing, fear, anger, and doubt. I know it shows round the edges, but there is only so much I can do when I feel like this.

I'm having enough of a hard time without external stimuli aggravating the situation.

A bad night's sleep

Didn't get to sleep last night till gone 5:30AM, stayed up late buying shit off the Internet and generally avoiding my bed while the thoughts cycled around in my head.

I've been awake since about 9ish. I don't feel tired. So I'm probably due for a crash later this afternoon.

I've realised that I've had no physical exercise in days and that I've not been using my SAD light since the weekend because I've been lying in.

I've decided to get up at 8 and use the light every day, regardless of whether I'm working or not. And every day I'm either going to go practice golf or get on the treadmill.

I'm going to have to seriously look at what I'm doing at the moment, as I suspect that I'm seriously self destructing on many different fronts at the moment.

Work, relationships, exercises, tidying my home, prepping for my visit from the tax man, paying my tax bills, paying for my divorce, all of these things seem to have gone on hold, or into active decline. Not good.

Right I'm waiting for my SAD light to finish for the morning, and then I'm off to practice golf on the driving range for the first time in a couple of months.

Then I'm going to come back and tidy my flat from top to bottom, and finally going to sort through the huge fucking pile of paperwork that has to be done.

Tomorrow, more of the same.

Wallowing in self-pity is not helping me, so it has to end.

Truth

The bad interview has knocked me sideways. I am now feeling hugely depressed.

I bought V a present while I was out buying myself a couple of things, a present she doesn't want. I saw it, thought of her, and then bought it. It never occurred to me she wouldn't want it.

I've also said to V that the whole NY thing is a bad idea, even if she is OK with it, I'm sure her chap will be none too pleased. Additionally, I think I'm trying to buy myself some happiness with the whole thing. It came up just after the bad interview, when the depression was really starting to bite.

Spoke to J this evening on the phone, she thinks I need to go and see a councilor, I'm inclined to agree.

The Interview

Today I went for an interview for a job with a previous employer...

I'm not feeling too hot about it, I think socially I came across OK, and technically I though I was OK too, but the Programme Manager that interviewed me first, seemed a little brusque, and seemed to narrow down on my failings in no time at all. I didn't get much of a chance to talk about my strengths with him, he was more interested in what I couldn't do.

I should have mentioned that holding down a job is on my list of shit that I can't do too. Ha ha.

Apparently the important thing was to come across as a sociable person, so that was what I did.

Anyway, I have fed back to the agency, what I thought of the interview, and hopefully I'll get some good news from them in the next day or so. Fingers crossed and any spare mojo you have please!

V and I are in discussions about going to New York for a long weekend, that would be nice to do.

In the discussion I mentioned my place on her friends ladder (as per yesterdays post about Ladder Theory), she thought it funny, it was, it was a nice way of saying how I see things. I really don't want to be a thorn in her man's side, him constantly thinking that I'm sniffing around for a chance as soon as he makes a mistake.

V knows how I feel (I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it would be hard not to know), and I'm pretty sure I know how V feels, so that's OK, but I wouldn't want to be a burden on her current relationship.

Of course it is all well and good me saying that, but the real issue is his trust in her to do the right thing.

As I learnt with my ex-wife, just because you're not going to do anything, doesn't mean your partner cannot be insanely jealous because the person you are with is interested. My ex-wife was convinced that any woman I spent my time with was after me, and obviously I would have no willpower. The fact that I would kill myself will guilt after the act neither here nor there! Sheesh.

But I digress, having said that, if I were a burden, V would tell in no short order, so I'm comfortable with things the way they are.

Now I just have to make the effort to get off my arse and go buy those rollerblades....

Although, I guess I should make an effort to pay my two current tax bills and the bill for my divorce... Clean the house. Etc....

Rollerblades are on the back burner I think... Possibly its time for me to make a list of urgent shit to do.

Eeek.

Oooooh an exciting day.

Or not!

Today I had a mighty lie in, and then headed off for the excitement of the Haringey Council "One Stop Parking Shop", to purchase a new permit to park outside my own home for another year.

The staff were as usual most adversarial (not surprising really, they have to deal with angry people paying fines for most of the day), but the notes from last year were eventually read and I got my own way. For some unfathomable reason, they find it incomprehensible that I have more than one address, and yet I don't want to register my car at the one I need a permit for. (I know, I know, its an absolutely outrageous requirement!)

I had then planned to go and buy some rollerblades, but managed to get home and slob on the sofa for the day. I almost managed to go and see V, but she cancelled, needing more time on her own after a weekend spent with people I guess.

So I ended up surfing in front of the box for the evening, spending half my attention on each. Although I did find this link on the Ladder Theory of male/female relationships, which I thought was funny and true.

And here I am dear reader, letting you know that fuck all of note has happened today!

Right I'm off to bed.

Ate too much, but had a good time

Well I went to Borough Market yesterday with the intention of just buying stuff for the people I was visiting.

I did kinda... I bought far too much and when I got there I was pretty much force fed a lot of it... Well when I say force fed, I mean it was put on the table in front of me, and I have no fucking will power at the moment.

Anyway, myself an J (yes my other crush, although only a minor crush at this point) went over to visit my brother at his new place.

We stopped off on the way and bought a plant as a house warming present, and arrived far later than planned, to the extent that I got a voice mail from my brother asking where the hell I was.

I know I shouldn't have felt that way, but after all the times my brother has let me down and been terribly late (if arriving at all), I kinda enjoyed being less than punctual. Actually you know what, I felt that way and it was good, so whether I was meant to feel that way or not, I did, and I felt good for it, so a bonus point for the selfish me!

We then sat and chatted, and had a tour of the new house, which is partly mine, we agreed that the shed is mine. :)

After that we went round the corner to a restaurant, where we all had three courses of far too much food. It was goooooood though, the pepper sauce on my steak, was burning hot with pepper, and that is wonderful, no doubt.

We went back to my brother's place, had a cup of tea and then J and I drove back to her place.

All in all a good day.

Last night was filled with strange dreams of me being jumped by both my current crushes (not at the same time though, natch!), and my ex-wife. Good grief even my subconscious won't let me have a good time without stirring in some pain! Heh.