Having a word with myself

I can't remember if I have mentioned this before, but over the last year I have lost a lot of weight.

Unfortunately, every time I drop from clinically obese to overweight (i.e. below a BMI of 30) down to overweight, I seem to have a relapse and put a few pounds on.

I think I'm going to have a word with myself, this nihilism with regard to my eating is doing me no favours. And essentially is it nihilism, I know what I'm eating, and when I'm eating too much or some bad stuff, I observe myself saying "fuck it" and carrying on regardless.

That, and the fact that I haven't been on my treadmill more than a couple of times in the last month, probably are not helping the whole weight issue at all.

I think essentially what I'm saying here is that I need to put in a little commitment, and get my thumb out of my arse.

Right, I'm off to Borough Market now to buy some food, but I'm going to buy some stuff for the people I am visiting rather than myself.

No honest.

Last day...

Well its the last day at this shoddy job...

So far, so good, the anticipated three hour hand over, has been achieved in an hour. Now I just have a few emails to write.

That's even with the network down (because someone broke into the office last night and took the most esoteric thing ever... cards from the network switch for this floor!)

I fully expect to see the missing cards on eBay shortly, or at the very least for someone bragging about the huge corporate network switch they have at home soon. :)

I've just been out to lunch with some of the chaps from the office to do my goodbyes, I'll be handing over my personal email address to some of them, but not to most. Some have noticed that I'm blogging from my desk and have asked for the URL for here. I believe the correct acronym is NFW! The scary thoughts go here on this blog to purge them from my mind, only one person I know in "the real world" (tm) reads this, and she already knows how damaged the thoughts are in my head.

So no, people in any of my "real life" (tm) circles of friends/acquaintances, you cannot have this URL!

I'll probably end up pissed up in the pub tonight with some of them, we shall see.

The weekend holds many things for me...

I'll be seeing my first crush (yes there are two), she just happens to be gay, so I may be onto a loser with that particular entanglement. We'll both be visiting my brother and his girlfriend at his new house (partially financed by myself, aren't I nice) and we'll all be going out for a meal at some swank restaurant on Saturday evening.

Looks like a winner of a weekend.

As for this morning's early somewhat drunk (oh yes, I admit it I was) post, time for some clarification I think.

I'm terrible for falling in love, I do it three times on the way to work most mornings, usually with random women on the train, not like I actually speak to them or anything. I've usually forgotten about them by the time I get though the door at work though.

However, as soon as I can't have, then I have the old obsession gene kick in and start the various glands of the body producing massive quantities of Gotta-have-o-crines.

So as you can see, I'm now hung up on two women (one admittedly less than the other), one is gay and the other has a bloke and seems very happy with the relationship. I do pick 'em eh!

Luckily I'm not that obsessive that I turn into some Machiavellian loon who creates long and far reaching plans, all in order to get his own way at any cost.

(Anyway, my plan is world domination, its just taking a while is all. )

Both of the lovely ladies know how I feel (the second one after last night's drunken admission no less, but she knew anyway I'm sure), but you know, I'm 33 years old, and I'm quite capable of being besotted by someone, and still being their friend without being (more) weird (than usual).

I think we can safely say, that more than anything else, I just really need a good fuck. It's been about two and a half years since I got any. I decided to give myself some time to recover from the ex-wife, and decided that I wasn't going to get involved with anyone (certainly not sexually) until the divorce was done and dusted.

Time to rectify that I think. Question is how? I'm going through quite a period of change at the moment, and I'm inclined to let that play out for now, then resolve to find a lady friend to do the nasty with.

How the hell did I get here, here I am talking about my last day at this workplace, and now I'm talking about sorting out my sex life... Uh-huh, aaaaanyway... Next!

Right I suppose I'd best send out all those emails I promised, letting people know what they have to do to finish off all the things I had started...

Laters.

Drunken admissions

Admitting you (may) have a crush, at age 33.

'Nuff said I think.

I may or may have been drunk when I said it.

I may or may not be drunk right now as I type this.

More of the same...

How's this for bizarre? I have now been approached about the possibility of working for a different division of the same bank I work for now. With the same pay increase!

WTF? How surreal is that? Talk about the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing!

My chat this morning with the chaps looking to represent me for my previous employer went very well. I've contacted a few ex-colleagues and got permission to drop their names for a reference when interviewing for the new position.

So with any luck, I'll have just enough time next week to learn how to rollerblade, interview once or twice, whisk a lucky person away to New York for a long weekend for coke and whores, well maybe not that last bit. ("New York and the coke and whoring or just the coke and whoring", I hear you cry, I'll leave that up to you beloved reader.)

Then start work with a 20% pay increase.

My, my, my, I may have to give myself a mighty Christmas bonus of a house at the end of this year! (Woo!) Such foolish confidence, from one who should know better. Sod it, I'm enjoying not worrying about overconfidence. I'm feeling the lurve the universe is throwing my way.

The future is looking good. I'm feeling good. The universe is well.

A good day

Today I heard from an ex-employer that they want me back!

This is sooooo good for me, it means that my CV will show that I don't leave jobs on bad terms and that I make enough of an impact to be requested at a later date.

Curiously, I would have been absolutely overjoyed at such an event, and don't get me wrong I was happy with the news, but given that I just don't need external validation anymore, the impact was one of recognition and pride, rather than an uncontrolled outburst of emotion.

Tomorrow I'll be meeting a couple of people to start contract negotiation for my return, spare mojo would be appreciated from those that can pass it my way.

This evening was a cracker, I went out with V to a nice Thai restaurant near where I live, then we retired to my place, watched some TV and had some hot Mario Kart: Double Dash action, and then I walked V down to the tube station to go home. We were both really animated and it was the most fun I have had in ages.

All in all, I think I'll file today under the heading "Good". This is becoming quite a habit. A habit I'm not going to complain about though.

Anvils of joy...

Well yesterday V dropped out. In all fairness her fella turned up at short notice, and I'd have to be a pretty cold and heartless bastard to begrudge someone quality time with their partner wouldn't I.

The arrangement was only of the "tentative/possible" variety, so I was not too surprised by the (non) cancellation of the (non) arranged meetup.

What was interesting was my reaction. Whereas, at one time not too long ago (mere days/weeks ago) I would have been gutted, emotional, stressed and extremely depressed about it, yesterday, I was fine.

"I have stuff to do that I can do tonight", was pretty much the first thought through my head. So I went home and didn't do them. :)

I know I'm getting really repetitive when I say this is all new to me, but honestly it is, this is a real revelation, for the last 20 years I have needed other people around me to give me feedback for me to feel good about myself. Now I just don't care, other people have opinions, and I guess their happiness will still be infectious, but their negative assertions, or even their actions I suppose, don't seem to be affecting me.

Bad things that happen, are no longer bad things, I am for the first time in 20 years, able to honestly evaluate things and decide that they are not even negatively associated, and that more importantly they are not going to negatively impact my mood.

I am genuinely happy.

This morning on my way to work, the first leg of my usual route was closed, so I had to take an alternative to Kings Cross Station, then take a much longer tube journey from there to my final destination. The train journey took a while, and then at KC I had to queue for about 15 minutes to get to the platform, then I had to get on the third train as the first two were too full for me to get on. What would normally be a 40-45 minute comfortable journey became a 80 minute uncomfortable journey.

There was a time, that I would have been livid at the prospect of even a change to my plans (I am a creature of habit), and by the time I got to work I would have apoplectic at the high stress start of the day. Thus ramping up my stress levels anyway.

Today was different, today I got on the alternative train and made my way to work, and I just didn't care. "I'm going to be late", I thought, then almost immediately I thought, "Can't be helped, no point in being stressed about it", and then I just cut off the worry voice in my head.

As I was making my way from train to the tube, and while I was on the tube platform, I was positively beaming, I was looking at all the miserable people, and I was willing them, to just not care, to be happy and to see the shitness, for the self imposed unhappiness that it was. I must have looked like a crazy. To be honest, I don't care if anyone thought I was a crazy person, I'd rather be crazy and happy than miserable and sane!

When I finally got on the tube, I had several stops to go, but was finding it hard to concentrate on my book, my consciousness just kept slipping off in its own direction. I gave up reading, and just closed my eyes and concentrated on how I felt, my breathing, my balance, what I could hear, the taste in my mouth, the rail I was holding onto, the feel of the carriage interior on my back as we bounced down the tracks.

I felt my breathing slow, then start stop for a moment as I had fully inhaled and exhaled. Then for a moment, I was totally at peace with the world, I just got it. A swelling of joy came from within me, it knocked the wind right out of me, it was like being hit with an anvil of pure joy. I wanted to hold the moment, but in the act of trying to keep hold, I stopped being centred on me, and the moment passed.

Just that one solitary moment was wonderful, it was a moment where the bad things just didn't matter, and neither did the good things. I was just happy to be me.

A moment I have been waiting for since I was a child, no recriminations, no hate, no loathing, no self destruction, just me and comfort with myself and joy at being me.

I may have had to wipe a tear away on the train.

More axioms broken

As I mentioned on Saturday I spent a lot of time introspecting, and seeing where my thoughts were leading me with regard to things I am uncomfortable with in my life.

In the few hours that I was doing this, I came to some new realisations. As I mentioned in that last post, I've decided being selfish and needy are not necessarily bad things.

Lets face facts here, if you are being a non-selfish person, giving people what they need from your reserves, what are they being by allowing you to do this stuff for them? Er... That would make them selfish surely? Ooops!

I think the way forward is to be selfish some of the time and not to beat yourself up when you're doing it. The rest of the time, feel free to be as giving as you want, but when you feel enough is enough, you are not being selfish when you stop giving.

Every person has a right to protect themselves, and I firmly believe that I have been seriously negligent in regard to provision for my own needs. All of this, as a direct result of over commitment of my time to dealing with other people's problems/needs, as a priority over my own needs/problems.

So from now on, I think I'm going to be a little more selfish. I'm not used to being blunt, I am terrible for applying spin to let people down gently. So this is going to be hard work for me, at the moment I am giving lip service to an idea. I hope to be able to follow though with my ideas, this is going to be an interesting learning experience.

Part of what I consider to be selfishness, is the thorny subject of being needy or clingy, I know that I am needy, when I am in a relationship, I need constant affirmation of the relationship, I need hugs, kisses and sex on a physical level, and on an emotional level, I need conversation and understanding. Actually no, I don't need the conversation, I think that was one of my misconceptions that burnt me in several relationships, what I need is understanding, and of course once you are understood, silence can be a comfortable thing.

Given that I am living in a more now, less past and future state at the moment, I'm beginning to think that my neediness is being somewhat mitigated by my current attitude. Right now, people who I am usually in constant contact with, have started calling me to make sure I am OK, as to them I seem to have dropped off the face of the planet.

It seems I am starting to manage my "over demand" issues, by virtue of not controlling the urge, but by the urge being reduced. This is good, as controlling the urge makes for a very upset C!

For example today, I am expecting a call from V, to determine if we are going out this evening. There was a time, only a scant few weeks ago, that I would now be on tender hooks, stressing about the evening, waiting for the text message to arrive or not. Then I'd feel hurt if it didn't happen, probably bring it up in conversation and manage to piss V off by refusing to drop the subject until I had worked myself up into an emotional near-frenzy.

But now? If it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't. Does it mean that V likes me any less if she cancels? Nope not really, it means she doesn't want to go out. By refusing to listen to the inner criticism loop, I can't work myself up into a hyper-stressful state. As a result I'm less in need of affirmation of my every move or action.

Even now, as I think about this, I find it nice that I'm not worried about this evening, normally I would be listening to the inner needy me, analysing every move and saying from last night's conversation, looking for a way to prove to myself that I had pissed V off, so tonight would be cancelled. In essence, I was making sure I was an emotional wreck before I even knew I had or had not been rejected, I felt like I had been rejected before it even happened.

And here I am now, I realise that, its not even a rejection if it doesn't happen, certainly not worthy of getting distraught about before the event, and frankly not worth getting distraught about after the event either.

This is such life changing stuff for me, it really is a whole new way of life.

Really, I should thank all the friends who have stuck by me though thick and thin over the years, or even just though the last few months. I'm starting to realise what a painfully demanding fellow I used to be. Fingers crossed the new me sticks around and I don't revert to the old me.

Here's to changes for the better and ever onward.

Thanks V.

The Light

Its true, I thought it might be a gimmick, but it appears that the anti-SAD light works after all!

Last night I chatted to V until about 12ish and then went to bed. Normally going to bed before about 3AM is a real rarity.

This morning after about 7 hours sleep (woot!) I woke up, showered and sat in front of the light box for 30 minutes as prescribed. (I just might have been playing Kingdom of Loathing this morning.)

I have been at work for about 30 minutes or so, and I'm not tired (although I am yawning), and the journey in was surprising stress free.

I read more of the book on the way in, I think it may be time to go for some deep nowness. We shall see how this turns out. For a man deeply committed not non-spritualism, I'm getting awfully spiritual these days.

And after a conversation yesterday evening, I seem to be either the luckiest man on Earth (at guessing shit while subconscious anyway, as I certainly haven't won anything on the Lotto) or my psychic powers are awakening. To quote Lewis Carroll and Alice, "Curiouser and curiouser".

By all accounts, I'm enjoying myself and I'm having a great day.

Livid

Today I was woken up in a strange manner by the child (A) once more (awwwww etc.), we lunched then drove back down to London.

When the time to drop A off back home arrived, A burst into tears. This happens quite often, its usually when she realises she is not going to see me for a couple of weeks until the next weekend I have her.

This time, her mother, S acted like a total shit. I know that this is a hard time for A, as for all kids in this situation, this is a transition point from one parent to another, and it can be fraught with pain for a kid.

So what did S say to A? "There there dear, you'll see daddy soon"? Or maybe, "Oh don't cry darling, there's no need to be upset."?

No, none of the above, what A got to hear from her loving (and yet totally fucked up) mother S was, "Go live with daddy, I won't feel bad about it, I'll tell your headmistress what your new address is and daddy can take you to school tomorrow. Go on, get out of my doorway, you are letting the cold air in. Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm going to miss my daddy", said A.

"Well that will hurt, I should know, I still miss my daddy and he died 12 years ago".

As I'm sure you can imagine, after that little classy piece of skillful parenting, A was extremely distraught!

As V said later on IM, "I have no idea what possessed you to marry that woman", you know, either I saw what I wanted to see and heard what I wanted to hear, rather than the truth. Or S is an evil fucked up woman, who deliberately deceived me until she got what she wanted. Then turned into the evil bitch from hell.

The more I think about it, I don't think I was deluding myself. For all I am needy, I really don't think I'm needy enough to fuck myself up deliberately with that kind of woman, even at the height of my depressive phases.

Right bed. I have to be up early to shine a light in my eyes. :)

Thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest, this way I won't have to carry it around with me as a little ball of anger for the days to come.