Confused thoughts...

Got up after two hours sleep last night (the 2-10-2-10 cycle still continues), and went to Borough Market with P, then spent about an hour trying desperately to find a way to walk round the Lord Mayor's Parade.

In the end we managed to get round the route and get back to P's place and drop off our perishables in his fridge before heading off to the West End to buy some more stuff.

Caught myself a couple of times, thinking about the possibility of Contacting SB (the crazy lady from last week) and trying to sort things out with her. Then of course I realised that she is a using bitch who was trying to spend my cash and was using me for cheap labour on her project! What the fuck am I thinking about this crap for. Bridge burnt, move on.

Just read V's blog a few moments ago (not spoken to her in several days), seems her recent ex dropped by last night and the sex was great. Still suffering pangs of jealousy I think, its not going anywhere and frankly never will, but that never stops the emotions, no matter how corrosive they are, does it?

Ah well onward, I'm willing the higher dosage of the meds to take effect, although to be honest I'm also using up my old tablets too, so instead of 30mg/day, I'm taking 40mg/day instead, hopefully that will accelerate the process and I can cut back to the proper dosage from next week. (Fingers crossed.)

Average day

Had a decent night's kip, I seem to be alternating between 1-2 hour and 10-11 hours per night, very strange but I seem to be coping quite well.

Never had the kebab last night, good job too! I was just being a glutton.

Went out with JH, a friend who runs a shop round the corner from my home, we went up the road to the local pizzeria, then stopped by the pub on the way back down the road and talked shit for the rest of the evening.

On the whole my mood has been pretty good.

Coming to terms with who I am

Started the day after a whole hour of sleep last night. Woo! I seem to be OK though, so no complaints.

I went to see the doc, via a cafe where I got a toasted bacon and fried egg sandwich (plenty of brown sauce and black pepper if you're interested).

Had an interesting session with the quack, she concurred with me, that the time has come for me to accept that permanent medication is the way forward. She also upped my dose, as I'm not doing too well at the moment, and only gave me a script for another month, so that I am forced to come back in for review sooner rather than later.

I've been on anti-depressants on and off for a couple of years at a time for the last 12 years. Every time I wean myself off of the them, the symptoms return after maybe a few months to a couple of years. My father has been on permanent meds for the last 8 years and he has never been happier.

The doc has also referred me to a psychiatrist, so I shall be visiting the shrink at some time in the near future. She was obviously somewhat worried at my condition, as she told me where the nearest emergency psychiatric unit is! I don't think I'm that bad, I seem to be functioning at the moment, so no real serious problems, I feel quite stable at the moment. (See yesterday's post regarding rejection in general.) But I am generally quite depressed.

Didn't go to the pub this evening (shock horror!), P was at the Nick Cave gig and D failed to supply a reason but cried off anyway. Tried to sort something out at short notice with V, but she wasn't in the mood. No change there then.

Anyway eating too much, and now I'm off to buy a shish kebab. If I eat any more yoghurt, I will go mad.

Later.

In a word: "languid"

Got up, went and had breakfast at the Sunshine Café (no, I have no idea why its listed in Greenwich either), and had a chat with my friend who owns one of the shops round the corner.

Then I headed up to Finsbury Park and read some more of my book, and eyed up pretty ladies as they took their late morning constitutionals. I had a couple of nice chats with pretty ladies, Cathy who was a student, and Veronica who was a prostitute (looking for business in a most unusal spot).

I got Cathy's number, and I'll probably give her a ring, she is oriental (I have a thing for oriental and black chicks, I'm white and have no interest in white women, I wonder why), but she is a student and only 21 years old, so I guess I'd have to be a cradle snatcher to go with that one. :)

Of course, I could be just friends with her, now there's a novel thought...

V cancelled at this evening's rendezvous at lunchtime, no surprises there, this is the latest in a string of non-committal arrangements that have been cancelled or not at the last moment.

V lives in a very self-centred world, so I did expect this.

There was a time when I would have been bothered, but now I am too old to care anymore, every cancellation was a personal rejection, but now as a emotionally stable man, I have to conclude that rejection (or perceived rejection) is part of life, don't let it hurt you, just move on with your life.

Oh, God! I'm going to start wearing slippers and Chinos about the house, smoke a pipe and start putting up shelves. Its official I am on the cusp of middle-agedness, and I'm only 33.

Obviously, it's time to start fucking about like a kid again, and recapture some of that wasted youth!

English as a second language...

Well I did as much as I was able on the business plan yesterday, and I ended up emailing it to S.

We spoke later for a short while on the phone, she said she was unable to get to her email from the meeting, but that her meeting with an investor went well anyway.

I had my suspicions, that the non-meet to drop off the finished product was because I was being used, but I decided to roll with it. The worst that could happen is that I spend some time doing some work that I am not being paid for. It's not like I am doing anything else at the moment anyway is it!

She mentioned that she would be going to the hospital today, I asked if she wanted someone to come and hold her hand, but no joy.

I've tried to keep an open mind, but after our conversations over the last five days or so, I see a one way street, I help on the business plan, and the option to help buy £350 Prada boots, and in return I see nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tallying here, but I am seeing a one-way street in action.

This morning I received the following text:

"I didnt read what you send me last friday.i wish you well. goodbye"

Just in case you were wondering, English is not her first language, so I give her plenty of leeway when interpreting her communiques.

I think what she is saying here is that she did not read my email the other day where I apologised, this is contrary to what she said on the phone on Saturday morning. And then to finish she is saying, I never expect to hear from you again, have a good life, etc.

So conclusions drawn:

1. I acted honorably.
2. I did the right thing.
3. I trusted without cause (which I feel really good about).
4. I met a user (c'est la vie).
5. I got used (but it only cost me about £30).
   

All in all I feel pretty good about this, even when my alarm bells were ringing away, I went in eyes wide open and did the right thing anyway. I have had such trust issues over the years, and this was another example of someone abusing my trusting nature. But at least this time I managed to keep it all in check, keep an external perspective rather then get totally wrapped up in the whole thing, and not pile money into the relationship (not that there was one) in the hope of keeping it alive.

I feel good, I should feel shitty, but I really am fine.

Right more GTA:SA.

P.S. Obviously I sent her a text asking how she was this morning... If she was a user, and she was trying to give me the brush off, the message will be a little irritant... "I've told him to sod off but he still cares about how I am, how do I get rid of this guy?". Heh!

Up most of the night...

Just an hour with GTA:SA turned into pretty much all night, I went to bed at about 6:30AM.

Got up at 10:00ish didn't feel sleepy.

Forgot to mention that all the to-ing and fro-ing of the business plan ended last night when SB, started to feel somewhat ill. She was hoping to cancel a meeting this evening with an investor.

She texted today to say that the meeting was still on. I enquired about her health, she said she had just got into work (12ish) after visiting the doctor, and it was bad news but not terrible bad news, more details later, whatever the hell that means.

I plan to do what little I can on the business plan, more to do with the projections of sales and purchases than anything else, and see where we get. No doubt, I'll end up dropping it off later this afternoon as she leaves work or something.

But first I may do a little more killing stuff with a Tek9 in GTA:SA... :)

An evening on the phone

Dropped A (daughter) back at her mother's place, and had a quiet word with S (ex-wife), along the lines of,

"When I want to introduce a partner to my daughter, I will, and I'll let A know that the partner is a girlfriend. I don't appreciate you telling A that my friend J is my girlfriend, but that I didn't tell my own daughter that because she has a big mouth. It's my life and none of your business, don't discuss my life with A."

That went down well. Not.

Spent about three hours on the phone to S, working though the business plan. S realised it was a bad idea to do this via email and phone. I agreed, I said to her that I didn't push it, as every time I push she backs off.

Earlier in the day, I texted her to find out how much she needs for the shoes... £200 (ring, ring, ring, paranoia etc.). I have gracefully declined, I said I could have lent her some money, but not £200, I am out of work after all!

Now to play some GTA:SA

Future plans...

OK, I seem to have patched things up with S, I told her I wanted to be friends with her, but the whole relationship thing was not going to happen, as she was far too intense far too early and that did nothing for me.

We texted a few times yesterday afternoon and in the evening too.

I'm to help S with her business plan this evening, although it will be via the Internet, not a physical meetup. She also asked for help with purchasing some new shoes, she says she needs some, but can't afford any at the moment. The ones on her feet are practically falling to bits at the moment.

Ring, ring, ring, RING, RIIIIING. Yes that's the sound of my "You're being manipulated" alarm.

But you know what, I can afford to lose some money, and I'm going to have to start trusting people at some point, so why not now. If I am being had, I'm being had, c'est la vie.

I'll help her with the business plan, and I'll see how much she wants to borrow for the shoes and make a judgment call from there.

Oh and the horoscope for the day:

"You can reconcile past differences in the nicest of ways if you tackle them today. Your emotional state will be solid, grounded and commitment-oriented. Oh, and your partner will be the soul of cooperation."

Partner, what partner?

More to think about, but to be honest I don't feel like thinking today, so I won't. :)